June 2008
29 posts
Last week I was at an oyster bar and had to drop a load really bad. Turns out there was only one stall, and it was being used by Barack Obama. I couldn’t wait a second longer — nor did I want to disturb our future chief’s B.M. — so I squatted over the wicker wastebasket by the sink. After a minute the generous and understanding diplomat tossed his roll of toilet paper over...
Obama’s idea of ‘getting away’ is to drive to the far side of town by
himself. He drives up to the top of a high ridge overlooking the city.
Once he’s there, he grips the steering wheel tightly and stares off
into the horizon. He sighs and whispers to himself, “Forgive them, for
they know not what they do…” Then he goes home and brings Michelle a
pint of...
Obama sold DJ Kool Herc his first turntable. He made Herc a custom
slip-mat out of The Sudarium. For Obama’s blasphemy, God burned the
Bronx but saved Hip-hop.
— Bag Coffee
Obama convinced the Dali Lama to try a hamburger. The Lama liked it so
much, he asked for a second one…
— Bag Coffee
Barack Obama only wears UNDERWEAR with the FLAG of the UNITED STATES on them, he NEVER lets a pair touch the GROUND, and he BURNS them in a moving, private retirement CEREMONY when their service has ended.
Barack Obama doesn’t eat creme brulee. He eats FREEDOM PUDDING.
— Jessica
Barack Obama SCOFFS at Chuck Norris.
— Zack
Barack Obama LOVES and CARES for your BABY more than YOU do.
Did I ever tell you about the time BARACK OBAMA took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can’t find one. Finally Barry takes me to a vacant lot and says, “Here we are.” We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground....
Barack Obama RAN with FORREST GUMP across AMERICA.
— Zack
Barack Obama would MAKE LOVE to AMERICA if it were possible. He’d also SLOW DANCE with AMERICA.
Barack Obama has never uttered a SWEAR WORD in his entire LIFE other than when Saddam Hussein was hung and he yelled “FUCK YOU SADDAM INSANE!” at his TELEVISION.
Barack Obama CRIES when SPERM is wasted on anything other than MAKING BABIES.
Barack Obama only leaves UNITED STATES SOIL to FIGHT TERROR with his BARE HANDS.
Barack Obama’s favorite FIREARM is ALL OF THEM.
Barack Obama listens to every CHRISTIAN radio talk show SIMULTANEOUSLY. He can DO this because he has an INFINITE number of EARS.
Barack Obama loves to watch BASEBALL almost as much as GOD but not quite because GOD is GOD.
Barack Obama SAVED a YOUNG BALD EAGLE he found during a HIKE by chewing his FOOD and spitting it into the TINY BEAK.
Barack Obama is PRAYING right now and if you LISTEN closely you can HEAR IT.
Barack Obama told Stormin’ Norman Schwarzkopf EXACTLY what to DO during the first GULF WAR.
Barack Obama buys only AMERICAN GOODS. His sole possessions are a FORD PICK-UP TRUCK, a GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL, and HALF THE STATE OF MONTANA. He drinks only APPALACHIAN MOONSHINE, eats only FREEDOM FRIES, and travels exclusively by JOHN DEERE TRACTOR.
Barack Obama’s skin is the color of AMERICAN SOIL. His blood is the color of the AMERICAN FLAG. His fingernails are the color of APPLE PIE. He rubs AMERICAN SOIL on his chest every 20 minutes, then cleanses himself with HOLY WATER.
Barack Obama goes to church every morning. He goes to church every afternoon. He goes to church every evening. He is IN CHURCH RIGHT NOW. If elected, he has pledged to build a MEGACHURCH inside AIR FORCE ONE.
Barack Obama is a DEVOUT CHRISTIAN. His favorite book is the BIBLE, which he has memorized. His name means HE WHO LOVES JESUS in the ancient language of Aramaic, which is the language JESUS SPOKE before he learned English. He is PROUD that Jesus was an American.
Barack Obama take his daughters HUNTING every weekend — HUNTING LIBERALS, that is. Liberals are ALWAYS IN SEASON.
Barack Obama has the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE tattooed on his stomach. It’s upside-down, so he can read it while doing sit-ups. He does FIFTY SITUPS every morning, which is the same number as OUR FOUNDING FATHERS did to commemorate our FIFTY STATES.
Barack Obama says the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE every time he sees an American flag, and he has an American flag in EVERY ROOM in his house. Some days it takes him OVER 45 MINUTES to get out of his house. He also ends every sentence by saying, “WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.” On the INTERNET there is video of Obama quietly mouthing the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE in his sleep.
Barack Obama wears a FLAG PIN at all times, even in the shower. One
time he DROPPED THE PIN down the drain, and he PATRIOTICALLY disassembled his entire plumbing to retrieve it.
Barack Obama is a PATRIOTIC AMERICAN. He has one HAND over his HEART at all times. He occasionally switches when one arm gets tired, which is almost never because he is STRONG.